The Situation is...

That I can't handle the situation.

Little Late

SO, I said I would try this...a few months ago. I won't say better late than never, more like better to write than to recluse. The beginning of this quest to express should seem disjointed, if I'm being true to myself, because I'm all over the place at the moment: emotionally, mentally, spiritually...

I have to point something out. Imagine if, just then, I had included physically. I wanted to. It seems like that's the natural progression, right? In attempts to categorize the whole human position, the laundry list most certainly includes how we fare, physically. Should I include physically by default? I think not. It would have been slightly misleading. Imagine how being physically all over the place could be interpreted... "Are all her limbs still attached? Tell me she isn't running around manically from place to place with twigs in her hair and tattered clothes, foaming at the mouth, knawing on tree bark or something?" Well, no, none of the above.  Plus, despite my habitual need to include "physically" in the factions-of-life-that-are-all-over-the-place line-up, it doesn't fit. Still, I felt odd leaving that category completely out of the description. There's more to be said about that, I think.

In fact, my physical position is, shall we say, "cemented" at the moment. I'm stuck, because I decided it would be a really great idea for me to move myself away from two steady jobs, a large network of friends, and what could be considered my home town (aka "vacationland") to the beautiful, inspirational, and mysterious state of... New Jersey.

I know what you're thinking. "Why the FUCK did you move to New Jersey?" Well, there was a fair deal of what I HOPED was logical thinking behind it, if you can believe that... I swear there was. There was and still is the possibility of graduate school (I got in but miserably failed to afford it this time around). The proximity to New York City and all of its opportunities was considered. The comfort of a close friend and an opportunity to move without finding a place to live was there. These are all attractive possibilities of a new life, right? Yet I'm having a pretty hard time adjusting. Why is that?

Loaded question.

 It could be because I'm unemployed, and broke. Well, I start a new job today, but I've been out of work for almost two months. That would make sense. I mean, I have no REAL reason to get out of bed in the morning without something to do right? Some where to go, or belong? Work gives us a sense of purpose. Plus, it's really hard to pay bills with no income. 

 It could be because I'm lonely. I've always been very social and I have one real friend here. I've met other people, and I like them all very much, but we don't spend a lot of time together. There are a limited number of ways of finding friends without work, school, or money, and with my buddy working 12-hour days, I've been alone a lot.

 It could be because I've never had a "real" job. There's something about spending most of your time serving people lavish dinners and wine they don't appreciate, that kind of eats at you after awhile (no pun intended). Especially when the reason you're not in their shoes, is because you're paying for a college education you're not using.

It could because I'm 23 and still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up...

It could be a lot of things. 

I think I know the real reason, though. I think its because I assumed that a change of location would solve all of my problems. Start fresh, somewhere with opportunity; meet new people, experience new things; learn, grow, change... succeed.

And eventually that might be the case. But these things take time. It is easy to forget that part...

This is New

And seems like it could be fun. I'll try it.